i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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