can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize