in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
