my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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