I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
this is an emotional support booty call
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize