How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Green mimosas i think yes
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize