Plan B is the new Plan A
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
