We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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