Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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