I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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