I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
