Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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