apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
