drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
