Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
