Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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