Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
