Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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