Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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