but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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