dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
