i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
