dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
