happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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