: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize