She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
too bad you live with your parents still
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
