I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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