Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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