There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
