can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
