You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize