my sisters under your porch take her home
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
