dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
