I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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