So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
