I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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