I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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