Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
