So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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