i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
