I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
