I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
