My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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