so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
