i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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