I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You ruined the universe
Randomize
