i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
