everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
