is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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