Got a toothbrush?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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