There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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