theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
