who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
