She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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