Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
