you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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