theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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