Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
