Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
