Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
