Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
