bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
