Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
