How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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