I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
