Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
