i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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