I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
