My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
