the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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