And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
