I hate your face
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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