dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
